New chapters

Evidently, I’m not like everyone else; sometimes this makes me feel outside the group and other times, I’m glad that I am my unique self.  Maybe I should explain.  I belong to a group on Facebook made up of people in the early days of having lost their spouses.  I joined because another friend suggested it.  I’m all about encouraging people in whom shoes I have walked, since I know the path and I can sympathize. And in the early days of having lost one’s spouse there are a lot of tears and sadness as would be expected. Well meaning friends and loved ones of these people are not the best sources of comfort since they haven’t yet experienced the same kind of loss.  It’s not the same as losing a pet no matter how well loved; nor even the same as losing a friend or parent or sibling (all things I have experienced).  It’s hard to lose someone you’ve lived with X amount of years, plus lose the marriage, the dreams, hopes and plans.  But that’s not what makes me different.  What makes me different is about 16 months after Bob died, I turned a corner.  The second year of holidays came and I wasn’t sad in the least, I was able to celebrate them again.  Each day thereafter brought me more and more out of the deep well of sadness, until, finally I didn’t cry even every week, much less, every day.  So now, here I am, trying to be encouraging to these people and every once in awhile someone will post how it doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been grieving you’ll never get over it, it will never be better and you will never stop crying.  And a bunch of other people comment how true that is and how their spouse died 10 years ago and every night they still cry themselves to sleep.  So on the one hand, I’m thinking—is there something wrong with me that I’m not doing that?  Did I not love him enough?  And then on the other hand, I’m thanking God that no, that’s not how I feel;  that I can and have enjoyed life since then.  And it occurs to me that, I knew I would turn that corner. Unfortunately I have grieved for many people in the last 54 years, but I turned a corner with every one of them.  Some took longer, losing Bob took the longest;  losing mom was pretty tough too. Losing my sister was different because hers was ruled a suicide and that’s a different loss altogether.   But through the Grace of God, I have survived losing all these people that I loved dearly.  First of all—I know where they are and they are free!  Bob is able to walk and run and do all sorts of things that he couldn’t do in his weakened state here.  My sister is free of her emotional/mental issues.  My mom was reunited with her two deceased sons.  What’s more, I’ll see them again.  Are there days when I wish I could be there too?  You betcha!  But obviously it’s not my time yet, so I’m not.

All this to say—there are new chapters in my life, yet to unfold, yet to be written.  After seven years of being cat-free, I now have two little furry ones scampering about my house. They have been teaching me all sorts of things that I will share in later posts.  I stopped writing for awhile, but I plan to be back now. Maybe that’s why God made me different in the first place, to put to paper the things He shows me, and for me to share it in my unique way with whoever needs to read it.

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